Sunday, September 16, 2012

3 years later..

We are slowly approaching the 3rd birthday of Benjamin.  For those of you reading my blog and aren't aware- we lost our sweet Benjamin when I was 33/34 weeks pregnant.  The cause was unknown which makes things even a little bit more difficult.  This year, I'm at a loss of how to celebrate/remember him.  Last year, the weather was cold and crappy when we did our balloon release and I didn't feel the greatest. 

I'm thinking that next year I'd like to either have a tree planted or start a memorial/angel garden for him.  I was recently searching online for garden stones, but it appears most of them are worded more for your 'normal' types of deaths. Nothing specific to what I was looking for.  This was about the best thing I could find relating to a child (shown above).  I was really hoping our home would sell this year so we could get a home with a larger yard so I could start a nice garden and add to it each year. I hopes of possibly buying our grandma's home if things all fall into place at the right time- I have envisioned time and time again planting a tree and starting this garden in the spacious backyard of the property. 

I'm thinking that this year we won't do anything major. Maybe stay home, have supper, and light his candle in memory of him.  It's strange how you can go all year and not really have anything bother you and then the month and weeks leading to this event, everything starts unraveling.  Remembering all the specific details of the day. 

  • Registering at 7:30a.m. at Trinity Regional Medical Center by an person who I would eventally begin working with a few months after Benjamin was born.
  • Getting on the elevator on the way up to the 4th floor- to have a doctor hop on the elevator and ask us about having our baby and having to mention to him that our baby was no longer alive.
  • Getting placed in room 406 to be induced by Dr. Oconnor.
  • Having the purple grievance card posted on our door so everyone knew we were delivering a stillborn child.
  • Watching cartoons while we waited out the labor process.
  • Speaking and crying along with nurse, Lisa Sortedahl.
  • Jason drinking the entire stock of coffee in the OB kitchen.
  • Our photographer not able to take the much WANTED pictures because she had prior obligations to do a wedding that day. Luckily, others had cameras available because the nurse's camera must have had something wrong with it so all the pictures they took were blurry.
  • Waiting to call family members once Benjamin was born as we wanted the labor process to just me Jason and myself in the room up until delivery.
  • Receiving flowers and memorials throughout the day.
  • Receiving the memorial box from Sister Trudy during Ben's small blessing.
  • Going home EMPTY HANDED!
  • Sitting at home on maternity leave- not taking care of a child.
People tell you that things happen for a reason. The funny thing about that is we usually don't know what that exact reason is.  A good thing did happen from this though- after having such great care from the Trinity staff, I decided to go ahead and apply for a position at the hospital. I received a position at Trinity 3 months after delivering Ben and still currently work there.  I've met so many great people through this adventure and have since delivered our second son, Mason, at this hospital.

So, as the next week and a half come and go- we'll be remembering our sweet little Benjamin along with other family and friends.  I'll also be remembering another little boy whose life was taken on September 22nd- a friend from Alaska who I grieved and remembered with as we went through the same struggles in life.

  • Having everyone stare at you when you went back to work.
  • Listening to everyone tell you that things happen for a reason.
  • Telling people you don't have any children to avoid the awkward discussion of stillbirth.
  • Walking around with a post-pregnancy belly and no child to go along with it.
  • Having to replay the day over and over again.
Thank you to Dawn Brown for being there to talk to and know exactly what I was going through. I'll be thinking of you this week!